My Soul

I didn’t like it much.

Missed the bus home.

Have two dreams about him.

Strange.

15 more days and I will go into retreat for few months before departing to another country.

Wonder which one I should go this time.

Well, I’m “an old woman at heart” – originally quote from Adam.

—

He likes to talk about love, dating and stuff like that. When I said I want to go to France because it’s beautiful and romantic, he immediately thought of a ‘romantic’ game. Like this. Imagine a situation when you come back home after a long trip, what will you say to your lover?

I was like, WTF? The first thought of mine is:

“I forgot your souvenir.”

And the second thought:

“Did you do something wrong, like dating another girl?”

… Totally not romantic.

He seems to be good at sweet words.

(Well, at least it’s what I thought he meant).

“Every night I thought of you until I fall asleep.”

I showed Yoshi the conversation between ‘the guy’ and me.

Yoshi: “He seems cold.”

Me: “Yes he is.”

Yoshi: “No, I mean… look! His reply is really short.”

Me: “I don’t think that he should write something like “I’m so sorry I really want to go with you but blah blah, please blah blah” right?”

Yoshi: “Well, but his sentences are short and, Japanese people often say “Let’s go next time”, you know that. He didn’t.”

Me (silent for few seconds): “… I guess it’s an obvious behavior showing he has no interest on me.”

Yoshi remained silent.

Me: “Fine.”

Yoshi: “But you don’t have much time.”

Me: “You’re right. I don’t have enough time to care about him. I have many other things to care about.”

Yoshi: “…”

Recently there are many things needed to think about, so I almost have no time to think about him (which is good).

Because it’s just a crush so if I stop thinking about him I will become to like him less (which is good too).

Haiz, isn’t it true that for me, having a crush on someone is just a funny thing to do TO KILL THE TIME?

On Wednesday I went for dinner with him and my colleagues. I don’t really like that Vietnamese restaurant (which is quite expensive and the taste is totally different).

He made us wait for one hour, okay, Japanese company, overworking.

Then I realized I didn’t really like him as before.

Yeah, as usual, people had fun. He was really interesting with a good sense of humor.

Then we talked about ideal boy/girlfriend type.

(1) He likes good-looking girls (well, who doesn’t?).
(2) He likes girl with small legs.
(3) He wants punctual girls.
(4) He wants girls whose steps is on a straight line (%W^$%^ like models in short)

When I told Yoshi about (1), he tapped my shoulders and said: “Daijoubu da yo! You passed” I gave him a strange glance and said (2) and successfully made him silent hahaha. That’s why I didn’t tell him (3) and (4) which I never have in my life .

Here were my list:

(1) I like guys that taller than me (checked).
(2) I want a guy who cares only me not acting super nicely to all the girls (unchecked).
(3) I like guys who look manly and mature (unchecked). I had to hold my tongue when I was about to say YOUR HAIRSTYLE IS F*CKING TERRIBLE YO~!
(4) I don’t like guys who are super detail-oriented (considering).

Whatever, then I realized that my he is different from my ideal type, haiz, that’s it. Brain creates an ideal type but heart is blind (omg it rhymes =]).

I was really tired at that time. I couldn’t go to Slovenia. Such a long time I didn’t want something badly like that. And after a long time hearing people laughing around me without understanding why, I was emotionally exhausted.

We was on the same train home together. I decided to tell him, but I thought it’s quite embarrassing to SHOUT on the noisy train, so I wrote down in my iPod.

He got off the train before I finished. That is dramatic.

Okay, that’s fine, there may be no more chance, but I think it’s a little bit rude to say, “I used to like you. By the way, your hair is terrible.”

Bạn và tôi biết nhau cũng thật lâu, ít ra lúc nào tôi cũng tự hào vì khi tôi sinh ra đã có bạn ở đó chờ tôi, để tôi không bao giờ phải trải qua một ngày mà không có bạn trên đời.

Cơ mà, giống như bao nhiêu mối quan hệ khác, ở càng xa, xung quanh càng nhiều khuôn mặt mới, thì cho dù có liên kết bằng sợi dây nào thì cũng sẽ dần dần xa nhau, xa nhau lắm.

Nhiều lúc tôi cảm thấy buồn vô cùng vì tôi không thể quan tâm bạn đủ, những lúc bạn vật vã lên xuống tôi cũng không thể làm gì. Tôi cập nhật tình hình của bạn qua những người bạn chung, thậm chí qua gia đình. Tôi thường hỏi, bạn thế nào rồi. Mọi người có thể bảo, bạn vẫn bình thường, hoặc, họ cũng chẳng thể liên lạc được với bạn.

Bạn vẫn bình thường.

Nghe như kiểu, bạn vẫn còn sống, thế thôi. Với tôi, câu nói ấy như kiểu, mặt trời vẫn mọc ở đằng Đông đó.

Tôi thậm chí còn nói chuyện với mấy người Nhật ở đây bằng tiếng Nhật nhiều hơn bạn.

Tôi nghĩ là tôi không buồn, tôi chỉ lo lắng vì tôi không thể giúp gì cho bạn.

Dù sao thì, tôi lựa chọn đi nước ngoài cũng không phải không chuẩn bị việc phải đối mặt với mọi thứ một mình mà. Tôi chỉ muốn nói chuyện với bạn để biết rằng bạn vẫn ổn.

Tôi nghĩ là kể cả khi tôi trở về có lẽ chúng ta cũng không gặp nhau được luôn, có thể là vài ngày đến vài tuần.

Thôi thì, dù thế nào tôi vẫn biết rằng, sợi dây chắc chắn vẫn còn, khi tôi lần theo nó, dù có dài đến mấy, tôi vẫn tìm thấy bạn ở đầu bên kia có phải không ?

I remembered the last time I felt this way is in India. But I didn’t have chance to talk to him much, and I don’t know it’s lucky or unlucky, because that feeling might get worse if I got to know him more.

As some (or all) of you may know, last Friday I have a party with people in my company. People were really nice to me, I think they had fun and relaxed after hardworking days. I didn’t. I didn’t know people there, didn’t understand what they were talking to others and to me. I felt super isolated. My nose hurt like hell because of smokes. I just wanted to leave. More than once tear came to my eyes and I had to bite my lips tried not to cry.

After the party I decided to go to the Port to find inner peace. He was right behind me on the way to the station. When I said I wanted to go there, he seemed to be surprised. I didn’t know how to explain to him why, and didn’t want either. We said almost nothing from Sakae to Kanayama because of the crowded train, or maybe he simply just didn’t want to talk to me.

It got better when we transfer to the train to the Port. We sat together, and first few minutes seemed to be very awkward as we kept silent. Inside me there was an inner war, one side kept shouting: “Talk to him your silly girl!” while the other side said “I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to say!”

Then I showed him my book. He took a look at the book

He asked me what I loved the most about Japan.

(Shut up if you’re gonna say it’s HIM. No, it’s not! Really!)

I said, Kyoto.

Surprisingly, he said he loved it too. Bingo, another common thing. Have I mentioned we have a lot of common things? We do. Like he once wanted to be an editor. I want to be a writer. And we both love Kyoto.

We were on the train together for half an hour, and I found out more common things between us that make me like him even more by the way he thinks, so similar to me. Then although it’s almost midnight, he took me to the port’s bridge (opposite side of his house) to see the full moon even when we only had 10 minutes before the last train. I didn’t expect that. THE PORT!

Okay, I didn’t achieve my goal of crying alone, however I love how the full moon was shining up above us. I wanted to see stars, and he said when we had time, let’s go with people to somewhere we could see stars. I know it’s an invitation that would never come true, because our connection is so loose and I just have one month left. He said that because he’s a kind person

He walked me back until the station’s gate. Okay, what a night. I was emotionally exhausted, looked tired, ugly, desperately hope I didn’t stinky. In short I was totally a mess. And he still looked good in suit, AND SMELLED GOOD. I’m really sensitive to a scent, that’s why I love people who have natural scent. Not so strong, but natural. Like him.

And I’m so in love with his voice. Plus he was so kind to me, which really made the problem worse.

Why did you need to be such a kind person? Well, I don’t like you to be bad, but I just want it to remain as a crush, a nice memory I have here, not love or things like that, it only brings misery, only misery… If you keep being so kind to me like that, I will be very tired to control my little emotion. My friend said that, Japanese guys are really kind, and they are kind to every single girl even to the one they don’t have feeling to. So do you, don’t you? I will keep telling myself that, it’s your characteristic, and you will do the same to everyone, you would walk a girl to the Port at midnight because it was dangerous to her to be alone, etc. It makes me feel better.

Does it?

Thank you for not replying my facebook message. It took me 10 minutes to write those 2 short sentences. Well, I did want you to reply, but it would make I like you more, and it’s not good. So, thank you!

… I will write. Even in the language you can’t read .

I will pursue that dream for you even when we are just two people passing each other somewhere on the way of memoirs. You will totally forget me, and some day I will forget how I feel about you now.

But still, it’s a beautiful dream that I dreamed, and you shared it with me.

I think if I had a chance to choose, I would choose someone like him.

He was just my one-week crush, no more. Yesterday after listening to him to know a little bit more about his life, it’s not a crush anymore, it’s respect.

He can barely speak English, and by my poor Japanese I know how funny and admirable he is.

He never went to a university, and he became the youngest manager of the company.

He lives in a 10m2 room, with a bed, a bookshelf, a projector, a wine rack and a bar counter (indeed, a bar counter)! His hobby is mixing drinks and alcohols. Last 2 years he dedicated his annual bonus to the bar counter, and he uses a part of his monthly salary to buy alcohols (haha he’s not an alcoholic neh!), so after work he can pursue his hobby.

If he weren’t doing the current job, he wanted to become an editor about food, traveling, or sports.

He doesn’t like fruits and can’t drink milk, because his stomach is really weak =). But he can eat really spicy food, yeah he can! (Well, THAT’s bad!)

I didn’t totally understand the conversation, but I know he has a good sense of humor, he made other laugh out loud when he stayed calm. Isn’t it cool =)?

Actually he isn’t really galant =), I guess most of Japanese guys are like that. However in general he is really nice and kind.

At the company, most of the time he is so cold and serious. Always dresses in suits.

Yesterday he wore casual clothes. He looked like a high school boy =). And he has glasses! So.Cute.

Oh, has I mentioned how I love his voice?

Mom said she doesn’t like Japanese people’s voice. Dear Mom, I found a Japanese person whose voice I love. Deep and warm. Just like the one a man should have.

He is a blood-type-O, Gemini and born-in-1986 guy. Just my match, but unfortunately, not my chance.

Không thể tin được hôm nay đã là Chủ Nhật, thế có nghĩa là ngày mai đã là thứ hai và tức là mình phải đi làm rồi what the hell huhuh mai tôi phải làm sao? Phải đến hỏi mấy thứ mới được chứ nếu không sẽ chết mục ruỗng ở công ty vì quá chán mất a a a a a.

Không được, mình chuyên nghiệp! Mình sẽ không kêu ca và tìm cách giải quyết hahahahah.

(Bị điên và thần kinh và đang gõ với tốc độ ánh sáng!)

Listening to Green Day’s Wake Me Up When September Ends.

Feeling being in the middle of a dream.